Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
