First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
this boner is exhausting
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
