i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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