Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize