you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
