woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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