I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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