I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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