my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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