mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
