Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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