So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
