Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize