You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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