i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
