weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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