Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize