There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
