One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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