When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
