he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
