I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize