Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
