Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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