Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
