so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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