the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
