I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
