I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
