Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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