you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
