He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
