when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize