you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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