Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
