So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
