did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I cockslap morals
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
