I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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