My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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