I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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