I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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