Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
