I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
