Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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