I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
