My friends, they love my intelligence
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
