Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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