K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
