I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
