My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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