I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need a burrito and a hug.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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