i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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