3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
