i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
