They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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