and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
