I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
